Not Even a Hundredth
by stupid-otps
Summary: A bit of a character study on Killian about losing Emma and loss in his life. Haven't written in a while so any concrit welcome!


A/N Because I promised to myself I'd write some captain swan before the new season aired and I'm kinda running out of time. Obviously it won't happen like this but that's what the fun of fanfic is all about right? Here goes.

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Killian had felt complete and utter emptiness exactly 3 times in his abnormally long life. Losing his mother, losing Liam and losing Milah. Each time his world had mutated so drastically for it to be almost unrecognisable. His very soul might have been irreparably damaged by it all and for 300 years he had believed, with a sense of relief, that nothing except death could change him now. Possibly the most important thing was that he knew that the change would be for the better – he wouldn't be alone anymore, he'd have his loves right beside him as they drifted on and on over the endless cloud sea.

Then of course he met Emma. A woman Cora had told him, who was already called 'the Saviour' as her grand title in this world of heroes and villains. How ridiculous. If there had been one thing he learnt, it was that you had to save yourself not rely on others to save you. He knew however not to underestimate people, he would never make that mistake again, but that included himself and he doubted she'd be a real problem. He couldn't actually have been more wrong.

After nearly two years, not even a one hundredth of the time he's spent on this earth, his life has changed for the better is such a way that he couldn't have even imagined it. He has experienced family and love; all the joy and pain they bring, when he felt like he was sailing on the high seas with the wind and the sun blessing him, but also times when he wasn't certain they'd get through the storm.

Emma even has changed in his life. From a distant star, cold but more hopeful than she realised, to the woman that stands beside him as they face the challenges threatening their family.

Of course, it stands to reason that he'd lose her.

That the stupid title which was fated to be hers would rip her away.

'The Saviour'.

His life has been so shaped by loss that he doesn't understand why, knowing her and the world as he did, he hadn't known this was the way it would go.

This emptiness and loss is different to the other times. She isn't dead but that doesn't mean she can come back. The same sensation of having no anchor seeps in and makes him feel like he could drown. The problem is that before he had the fire of vengeance that burned. A raw need to have revenge on the person that took his loved ones away kept him moving. This time the person who took Emma from him was none other than the lady herself. He loves her as she takes the darkness that might separate them forever and still loves her afterwards.

Nobody says much that night – it's all too sudden and raw and a part of him wants to force Gold to take back the darkness and just die because why should Emma pay for his crimes when that means everyone here is in pain too. He finds himself wishing he had killed Gold every time he'd had the chance in the past because now it won't do any good. He is torn between screaming out all the anger and pain and black emotions inside or chasing after her even if it kills him because he needs her right now. He does neither and just falls to the floor till someone helps him stand and they leave.

The questions come the next day. How is he meant to support Henry, coping with the loss of his mother? How does he help Charming and Snow recover from losing their baby again? How does he keep the townspeople safe when they'll are devastated and vulnerable? None of this is familiar territory. Having no bonds had hurt, but having one broken and having to be strong for so many others isn't something he has had to do. Killian feels more lost than he has ever been despite the fact he has more people around him than at any time in his life.

Eventually the desperation that fired him to kill Rumpelstiltskin after Milah's murder rears its head. Everyone in this family has done the impossible so he has to believe that they will again. She loves him and he loves her so if that was enough for Charming and Snow then it has to work for him and Emma. That thought keeps him up at night and is his hope throughout the day.

When he looks into her eyes it will be enough, of that much he grows more confident. She is worth everything to him because he would be dead without her. So he fights the emptiness and the pain and slowly, as a family, they work towards saving the Saviour. He still hates that title though.


End file.
